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Worry: a waste of imagination.
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and shit.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
Lets watch a reality show about nasty rednecks acting like rednecks, but get mad when one of them says something a redneck would say
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.