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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don`t do that.
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer !
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
Lets watch a reality show about nasty rednecks acting like rednecks, but get mad when one of them says something a redneck would say
I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I`m certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.