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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
Oh no! I have to enter my date of birth to view this explicit content! Damn this internet security!
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.