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By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.