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You ever wonder why it`s only women who need exorcisms?
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
The trouble with children is that they´re not returnable.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds.
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!