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There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
Just about the time I started to give a crap, my attitude became constipated......
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
I don`t think America should elect a president in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.