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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.
Bad decisions make good stories.