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I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!
I always advise people never to give advice.
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
I`m selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
I don`t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we`re both pointing at the same tornado.
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright.
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store