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We can`t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
I`m hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here`s the bad news. You just wasted it reading this post.
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen