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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
I regret buying that straight jacket now. I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn`t pull it off...
So much to do and so few alibis.
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I’m thinking there’s some type of filter that prevents normal people from like my page