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My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
So I was thinking... since the kids get the Easter bunny, why shouldn`t I expect a visit from a Playboy bunny today?
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn`t act the way he wanted.
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
every woman iz beautuful n her unique way, smtimz it needs sm amount of alcohol to see with
My motto for the night ... drink till I no longer think :)