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Marco Polo must really hate sitting near a swimming pool.
Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages
I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order: Liquor store, gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that?
thjeo oskl asopa joa sajksla wioj apska shul bhcgy ....Yes I just wasted your time ;)
The longer a Woman takes to get ready, the easier it is to piss her off.. it`s Science