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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
I try to live each day like it`s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!