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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
You are the reason why I bite the heads off teddy grams.
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
Immature is just a word boring people use to describe fun people.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"
I always thought I looked like romeo, until I washed the picture off my mirror...