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You`re as useless as a referee in the WWE
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
Sometimes I let the words in my mind come out of my mouth. And it feels awesome! B)
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
Like a good neighbor, stay over there
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.