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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
Well, if anything, the Mayans did teach us one valuable lesson. If you don`t finish something...it`s really not the end of the world.
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
My favorite part of the movie The Notebook is where I turned it off and watched Terminator 2 instead.
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
It´s Friday!! yea! Oh sorry, I was just practicing.
A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex. Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.