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People, like prescription drugs, should have to list the side effects they`re likely to cause.
If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
As I get older my tastes are changing, for instance I used to not like brussels sprouts but now I don`t like people.
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time