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Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out.
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn`t think so.
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.