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I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
Think about the nicest thing anyone`s ever said about you. Not really true, right?
life is too short to think twice and act wise....
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.
The problem with some people is that they’re alive.
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.