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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
I’m awkward when people compliment me. “Nice hair” “Thanks, I grew it myself”
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."