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Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn`t working out either.
I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
If it`s true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
The only thing I hate worse than holding a girl`s purse is when it doesn`t match what I`m wearing.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.