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After listening to what some people have to say, I am rethinking the importance this whole freedom of speech thing.
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
I have a friend with one eye, he`s pretty cool about it, instead of :D he sends .D
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"