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I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
I am creating the first ever "flavored windows". They should make some of you very happy.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?