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Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.
Where 5 minutes becomes 5 hours. Facebook.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.