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The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.
Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic`s, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
Sitting in traffic like the non-helicopter owning loser that I am.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!