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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I`m assuming it`s Monday.
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
A man who scratches his butt should not bite fingernails!
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
There I was, watching a advertisement when a YouTube video rudely interrupts it...
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?