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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
The only reason I liked your post was because I was trying to clean a smudge off my screen.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
Don`t you wish common sense would make a big comeback.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
roses are red, violets are blue, god made everyone beautiful, what the hell happened to you?
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!