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Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
Boobs, because you can`t motorboat a personality.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
hmm ... I wonder what I´m thinking?
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.