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Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald`s stops serving breakfast.
I wonder what "don`t touch" is in Braille.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. ..Especially since I walked there. :)
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty!
The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF!
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
Doormats are a gateway rug.
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.