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I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
Happy Labor Day to someone who barely labored this year.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
Single ladies, stop saying you should just give up & get a cat , if no man wants you , don`t force an innocent cat to live with you..
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
Condoms prevent minivans.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
I`d like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.