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Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
woman belong in the kitchen? thats where the knives are you fool.
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
I`m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don`t really get the metric system. How much exactly is "in moderation"?
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
Odd how all the `intelligent life finding instruments` are pointed away from earth.
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.