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I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I wonder if they let me grow cannabis on Farmville, I`ll be able to sell it on Mafia Wars?
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.