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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
Hendrix didn`t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
Don`t judge. Maybe I`m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don`t know.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
My doctor is getting really tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
After 6 years, is it still all Bush`s fault or has it been reduced to "Unfortunate circumstances under no one`s control"?..............
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
I`m not saying I`m out of shape but I just stretched, got winded, and need to lie down
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.