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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
If you ever question yourself, your life choices, your sanity...just watch an episode of Hoarders and you`ll be all good.
Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one.
There`s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy that just wanted to check out a girl’s butt.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.