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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
You`re the reason I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to goto work.
I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
I order all my food with extra gluten.
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
If you`re camping and you have WiFi, you`re not camping.
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.