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Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I am the reason why Waldo is hiding.
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!