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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
My husband is not allowed to help with math anymore. Apperently 4 = 6.5 in his reality.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.
So, I hear Colorado`s population has increased 420%.
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
I was just watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury.. No worries, I should be okay in a couple of days..
You can`t be late until you show up