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If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
R2-D2 from Star Wars, still holds the record for most curse words in a movie.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
“Too much milk left need more cereal” always leads to “too much cereal need more milk”
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I`m not your boyfriend.
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!