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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.
I just found out that a bucket of KFC when you`re finished with it, also doubles as a porta-potty...
Finding friends with the same disorder as you... priceless!
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
And today I learned to never ask a woman how she dye`s her roots black.
You don`t need to use your words if you`re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
Yeah, I was gonna do that, but summer.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.