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I may not look good naked, but I`m a beautiful person on the insi.... Hahahaha just kidding I look great naked
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....
I don’t have a bucket list, but my f*cket list is a mile long.
I’m trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave