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You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
How long do I have to sleep before I`m legally a bear?
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
The most impressive thing about how cowboys used to have showdowns at high noon is that they could get two people to be on time to something
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
I read that taking a long, hot bath can help with managing stress. Unfortunately my boss doesn`t approve.
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"