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I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
Saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit and thought... That`s a little racist.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
Ok advertisers, for the last time. I’m playing a game I downloaded for free. So, the fact that you chose to advertise here means your product is grossly overpriced…
Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.
Ways to die: Steal my food.
There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.
My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...
I woke up praying McDonald`s would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything.
Just when you want to be a good person again , someone new to stalk shows up
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar