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Before the internet I used to like people.
What if Egyptians actually had a written language, then started using emojis, and that’s all that’s left?
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I`m totally flexible
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
If the shoe fits, shove it further up their a$$
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober.
my husband of 10 years still goes mad when I use his toothbrush, if anyone knows a better way to get dog poo off shoes, im all ears