Daily Silly Status

I`ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.

Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.

I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.

My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.

I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”

I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about

keep scrolling… it gets better lol

Happy Elastic Waistband Day

Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.

This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik`s Cube. If you kids don`t know what a Rubik`s Cube is, it`s what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones. Mel

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn

Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.

Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.