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I`ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
Iβm eating for two β me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.
I just donβt want to look back and think βI couldβve eaten that.β
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
keep scrolling⦠it gets better lol
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik`s Cube. If you kids don`t know what a Rubik`s Cube is, it`s what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones. Mel
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.