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"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
You know you`re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature`s.
is "insert clever remark here."
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
What is this `wrong hole` you people speak of?
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
“Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
Driving isn`t even in the top 5 things I`m thinking about when I`m driving.
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!