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Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
I saw a poor old lady fall over today, at least I presume she was poor, she only had $ 1,20 in her purse
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
I have no super powers. I`m guessing I`m the villain.
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
If I ever get off this couch, I’ll be unstoppable.
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.
If I was just learning English and you told me a sport called BOXING takes place in a SQUARE area called a RING, I`d probably give up.
Why can`t things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you`re my girlfriend.