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“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
Marriage is for quitters
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards. -Bfanch
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....