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I don`t wanna make this weird but that`s just kinda how I do things.
The naughty me makes the nice me giggle.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
I think I like mornings best when they start in the afternoon.
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
Glad McDonald`s don`t serve hotdogs, I don`t think I could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?