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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
Pizza: nah, Sex: eh, Drinking: no thanks, It`s so hard thinking of what to give up for Lent...
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
lifes a laugh, start living it!
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
I wonder who Jason Waterfalls is and why did TLC not want him to go...
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
I am sweet, lovable, kind, shy, and innocent ... Oh, for heaven`s sake! Stop laughing!
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.