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We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do!
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
I’m pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
My ex was in a swimming competition with 19 other women today. They were doing the breaststroke. Unfortunately, she came in last place. She didn`t know she could have used her arms!
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.