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That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
Whats the difference between a phone number & an opinion? People ask for your phone number.
Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
Afraid of not getting what you ordered when online shopping…..Ha, try online dating
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
I have never met a woman without wondering what her box of cookie recipes looks like.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted