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I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.
Can you LIKE this status with your elbow? (no cheating)
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.