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“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
Some of you are so dumb, I don`t even know how you found the internet.
why do wise people never make wisecracks?
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a sh!t.
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
Knock knock... whos there? Cows go... Cows go who, No, cows go moo
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.