Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
Any question is a hard hitting question when it`s written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.
Why do they play this music on the elevators if we`re not suppose to slow dance.
Is it polite or rude to slide a note into the bathroom stall next to you that says, "heard you farting but it`s ok you`re in the right place :)"
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.