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Just for kicks I posted "I won the LOTTERY" on Facebook. One girl liked it, then replied to the inbox message I sent her in 2010. *Blocked*
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
Yes I am a bad boy ... But your the one that`s going to get spanked.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
When do you take 5 hr energy? Right when I get off work ..12am!..beer here I come!
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. Must get that from his mother.
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.