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Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
I was a huge tomboy. Like, I had barbies, but only because my ninja turtles needed bitches.
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don`t know what I`m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It`s a mystery
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
The hardest question of the weekend.. can or bottle?
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
I have no super powers. I`m guessing I`m the villain.
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
What`s wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren`t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.