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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
So, I hear Colorado`s population has increased 420%.
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
Let`s all have a moment of silence for people who can`t have a moment of silence because they have kids.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
When it gets nice out I`m going to have a roof party and after that`s done have a painting party inside, come all
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
It`s not stalking if you love them!
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.