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I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
I was about to read the story below. But it was too long.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
All other things being equal, tall people use more soap.
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I`ve been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.