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My gift horse is facing the wrong way
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
Ever seen a person so disgusting you hold your breath when you walk by them? Yea I have.
Can`t reach it. Don`t need it.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
A man made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind ... And now, we wait...
Word for the day is asstard
My brain has too many tabs open.
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.