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I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
If you`re going to be stupid, don`t do it on Facebook.
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.