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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
Delete cookies? Why on Earth would I want to do that?! I LOVE COOKIES
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
Sometimes I think these Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks