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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
You learn something new everyday and if you didnt know that then you just did.
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
The Internet: where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head.
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.