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Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
Turbo tax might just be the worst video game I ever played.
I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
I put the hot in psychotic.
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
Hello... Modeling Agency? Ya, my selfie just got 34 likes I think I`m ready to go pro!