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What does Miley Cyrus have for dinner on Christmas? Twerky :`)
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
Have some fun: goto the local bar. Play every Justin Beaber song and leave.
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
Now that Microsoft`s Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
"keep moving.....nothing to see here"
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
3 Things you need to know: Yes I Have. Yes I Can. Yes I will.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It`s called Facebook.