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I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
Please do not read this.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
It may appear like I`m doing nothing, but i`m actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.