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I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
It`s too bad parallel lines never meet because they have so much in common.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face...
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?