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I got on-line to check the weather...That was 12 years ago.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
Don`t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
I would of never even thought of touching half the things that I`ve touched, if it weren`t for the "Do not touch" signs!
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(
Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.