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Make somebody happy today... mind your own business!!!
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So... see you after breakfast
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
They say you`ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there`s some middle step I`ve been missing?
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did