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Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
According to Tetley the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag so i slap her arse and shout "cup ot tea fatty"
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
Tony Soprano dead....Whitey Bulger on trial...coincidence??? I think not!
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
and alcohol are now friends.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.