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Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
Yes, I know why you pulled me over. I didn`t see you in your little hiding spot over there, so I couldn`t slow down in time.
Plan B includes margaritas.
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
It`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
I once dated a Rockette with Tourette`s. Talk about kicking and screaming!
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.