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I started to question my sanity this morning, It told me to "Shut up and chew through the straps....). I was free by noon......Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
“Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
I`m putting more thought into my Halloween costume than into my job.
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.