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Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending Iām being possessed by the devil is not funny.
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
Even if your not successful in life , You are guaranteed to get two certificates
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
are you free tomorrow ?! no I am f**king expensive !!
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?