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No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
So much to do and so few alibis.
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
Celebrities on drugs, politicians having affairs, aliens living mail boxes....I love standing in the check out line, its better than the library....and it has food.
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I`m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything... Far from it.
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…