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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
I’m not a marketing expert. But if I was selling milk, the cartons would be boob shaped.
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
People: What a bunch of bastards!
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
I`d take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.