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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
I have a hidden talent......I really wish I could find it!
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
hey single people..tomorrow is officially `rebound day` after all the ridiculously high romantic expectations end in `epic fail`
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I feel like grabbing some random kid and screaming "I`m YOU from the future!"
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
You had me at 0 mutual friends