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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So... see you after breakfast
Women say they love a man in uniform but when i go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform none of them will talk to me....I`m confused
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn`t mean I`m stalking you...It just means you haven`t looked nice in awhile
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.