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My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
life is short play naked
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
It would be great if there was an app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
There’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 forms
Seriousley.. The cuntestents in the 2013 speling beee contast hafe too now no the meening of the werd thay hafe been axed too spell. I coud rock that contast so eesy :))))) eg. The meening of "Easy". Anser: a kids oven
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.