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I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
Was sitting, doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
I`ve heard of women that aren`t crazy ... but I`ve also heard of unicorns, so whatever...
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
Trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.