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The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
( )( ) =( `-` )= <( . )> ("`)("`) bunny!!
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
I say the things better left unsaid.
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist