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Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what`s inside.
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make sh!t happen.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Firemen must dread the moment when they`re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.