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I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
I wanna say something. I´m gonna put it out there. If u like it, u can take it, if you don´t, send it back. "I want to be on you"
I’ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn’t need my assistance, so I’m going back to bed.
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.
I`m at that "licking peanutbutter off a spoon" time to go grocery shopping point....
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?
Trail Mix: M&Ms with obstacles