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What if Egyptians actually had a written language, then started using emojis, and that’s all that’s left?
Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
Kinda surprised I`m not an action figure by now.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.