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I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
Well it`s about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
Dropped my son off for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you`re supposed to pick them up?