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I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
Hate cleaning my floors...how fast would I go to hell if I got a blind roommate and replaced his cane with a swiffer?
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?