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Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that`s your problem right there....you should have never tried that.
I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
"You only live once. LOL JK!" ~ the cat
Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
My number was 0...
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can`t post anything on the internet or they`ll know I`m ignoring them.