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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your covers!”
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend.
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
Who ever said technology will replace paper.....has obviously never tried wiping their a$$ with an IPAD.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
If ignorance is bliss then there`s a crap load of people in paradise
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy