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For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
If I`m guilty of anything, it`s loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets. But mostly loving too much.
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!