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I don`t ever know where I`m at till I`m there
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
There`s a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it`s usually a prescription.
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
I think it`s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.