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Science is just a numbery way to explain magic.
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
If someone says "I`m a sub-par golfer" does that mean they`re good at golf, or bad?
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
If there is anything I learned from 80`s movies it`s that I`m the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."