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My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
Don`t you love followers that don`t acknowledge your existence. Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
I’m home alone. Time to start my concert.
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge