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I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
You don`t look like 200 likes in person
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
I havend`t heard from DAEMON MAILER in years, I hope he`s okay.
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
I wan`t you to know that someone cares. not me, but someone.