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Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
Monday is like canned spinach...I can can deal with it but I`d prefer something else.
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria
Do you ever just look at someone and think "Wow, let me take off your pants."