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Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
If guys had periods, they´d brag about the size of their tampons.
I`ve decided to start taking more supplements: calcium pills for my bones, ginkgo pills for my memory, milk thistle for my liver, ginkgo pills for my memory...
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!