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You`re only limited by your own imagination! And money. And talent. And genetics. And time. And other people. Go for it!
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?
If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
I usually want to post intelligent and witty comments. But I end up posting stupid and funny ones so my friends can understand them.
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi