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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
When all else fails… Pizza & Beer.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
Agreeing to disagree is lame. Let’s agree to take turns slapping each other until one of us admits we were wrong.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.