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If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
Save time. See it my way.
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
The man who created the Thesaurus has died. He`ll be fondly remembered, commemorated, memorialized, recalled and recollected.
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.