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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you are suppose to be doing something else.
Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
“Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
I`ve found the most effective way to get an attractive guy to fall for me is by simply using my charm... and then a stun gun.
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
Take me seriously at your own risk.
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
So who the heck ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them....its like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don`t eat lion.
5 symptoms of laziness –> 1.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.