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Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
It’s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
yelling at the referee that he made a mistake has never worked, No Referee has never turned around and said, "Why yes your are right silly me I did make a mistake, penalty denied, goal kick"
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
Flight 370, proven harder to find then the G spot :-/
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
I hate it when I open my fridge and get punched by a bear... =/
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?