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When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Why does the alphabet need to be in order anyway
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
omg I just found out I`m allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!
Don’t let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon because that might actually be fun.
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
I would know if I was insane, the voices would tell me.
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??