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Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
My favorite part of the movie The Notebook is where I turned it off and watched Terminator 2 instead.
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
if you were 2 times as smart as you are now ... you would still be stupid
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
This status has been censored by Facebook
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.