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If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
According to my neighbor’s journal, I have boundary issues.
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck. But through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room.
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it... turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.