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I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
What I do when I black out is none of my business.
I`m not bothered if someone likes me or Not. Even Angels are hated by Demons.
A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.
“Too much milk left need more cereal” always leads to “too much cereal need more milk”
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
No one`s lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
Giving people the finger while driving just isn`t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
A wise man once told me `Never sleep with your a$$ itching.. You`ll wake up with smelly fingers`
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?