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I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
Some of my best memories are naps.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.
Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park
You`re annoying, but honestly, I`ve been annoyed by better.
I wish karma would send me email notifications.