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Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
I gave my boyfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick last weekend, and he`s still not talking to me!
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
"People should just mind their own business," probably the funniest thing I`ve ever read on a social networking site.
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
Adam didn`t take any crap from Eve. He wore the plants in that relationship
Just hired two Private Investigators to follow each other. I`ll keep you posted......
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.