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Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Anybody else have those FB friends that set up a FB account 4 years ago and posted once or twice and hasn`t been back on since? And you wonder how they can exist without a Life?
The problem with some people is that they’re alive.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.