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Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
When you write misspelled backwards it`s misspelled.
I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so cold. - Mother nature
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
Go to O`Reilly Auto Parts website and type, `121G` in the search bar.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
Yea, there is no "I" in team... but there sure is "ME".
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.