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Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
This Polo shirt as two buttoning options: Uptight Golf prick or disco chest hairs.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."