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Before the internet I used to like people.
I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
I’m a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
Aren`t they Middle-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles now?
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? Wouldn’t there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted