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I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
Coffee: fueling you for a job you can`t stand to support a life you never wanted. Tastes good though...
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
People were shocked when they found I wasn`t a good electrician. :-)
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.