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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
i like boobs
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.
I just googled, "understanding women," the computer crashed.