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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
Can you find the the mistake? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10. Click Funny if you did..
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
I don`t always do a lot, but I put a lot of thought into it.
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.