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The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
Don`t feel bad, alot of people don`t have talent either
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
Serving size ?? LMAO
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.