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Types of like on facebook: 1.Stalker like. 2.Crush like. 3.I wanna bang you like. 4.Agree like 5.Pity like.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
i know how to shutup.I just don`t know when.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
about love
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
I’m going back to sleep. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.