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My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.
I just wanted you all to know that I`m leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I`ve made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I`ll miss all of u, but I`ve decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
A woman saying "I`m not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won`t feel a thing."
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.