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A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
In space they just call it "Jam"
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
is confused. Oh wait, maybe not.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
I usually want to post intelligent and witty comments. But I end up posting stupid and funny ones so my friends can understand them.
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
I suppose cougar is a better term than old whore.
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.