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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
When we are small, our mom`s would use really small forks as spoons to feed us...But what about Chinese moms? Would they use toothpicks?
Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I was about to read the story below. But it was too long.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
you`re about as useless as a red light in grand theft auto
I like people the most when I`m by myself.
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.