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America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
i dont drink any more and yet again i dont any less either
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...