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At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
Care less and you’ll stress less.
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario, there`s a dumb guy who didn`t take it out in time.
I wonder if Batman knows that other cities have crime, too.
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
I`d take Cap`n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren`t on his hat.
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
Johnny : Pull my finger Tommy : No Johnny: "Come Bro Do IT!!" Tommy : fine ... Johnny : *SNEEZE IN THE FACE*
Yes, that`s correct. And the horse you rode in on.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.
No one will ever look at you the way I do ... But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window