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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
Laugh now, but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
no..i am not drunk, floors needs hugs too ! :p
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.