Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting`s titty, not ok. Apparently.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
Hey NFL, solution to your recent problem, start allowing players to hit each other on the field again
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
Just shaved my legs for the first time since October...just kidding, it`s not warm enough for that yet.
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.