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To be truthful,,, I have never unrolled a sleeping bag and been able to roll it back up any smaller than the size of a garage.
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
I love long legs.... Long sexy legs..... But not on a Spider, I hate long sexy legs on a Spider.
"This is bullsh!t" - bull farmer giving barn tours
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.
"May the 4th" be with you!
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
Hey NFL, solution to your recent problem, start allowing players to hit each other on the field again
If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.