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My train of thought likes to circle around the station a few times, take some wrong turns, and end up totally lost.
Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
When I was your age we had to open all doors by ourselves ... None of them knew we were coming.
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
I have never met a woman without wondering what her box of cookie recipes looks like.
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
Life`s short ... Drink fast
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!