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Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I meant but shouldn`t have said out loud.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?